Thinking . . .

I will get back to our everyday adventures with updated info on what has been going on in our lives since Christmas.  But today I have been thinking.  I have been thinking about the twins that Mike and I had planned to adopt.  I have been thinking about how today is their birthday and they turn 8.  Had they been placed with us, we would not only be celebrating their birth, but had their baptism planned. JR turns 7 on Saturday, and I am already getting emotional thinking about him getting baptized next year.  How crazy to think about what things may have been like had the twins really been ours.  I never met them, I do not even know what their names are, but I know that I will continue to wonder about them.  Do they go to church?  Does their mom teach them the things they need to know to be happy? Will they have an eternal family one day, like I do?  It doesn't hurt so much talking about it and even thinking about it.  If I go back and read (relive) what we went through it still hurts, but I can talk about it and think about it with a lot less pain then before. Even though I knew today was coming, I didn't really think about it until late this afternoon.  Maybe that was part because I am 8 months pg and in full on nesting mode along with the exhaustion that comes at the end of pg.  When I think of my family now, I am still amazed that I already have 3 beautiful children and will soon have 4.  Sometimes I wonder if all 4 of my kids would even be here, had those twins been placed with us.  I know I will never know, and maybe I shouldn't try to think about it, but I know I would not change my family for anything.  I am so blessed with what I have.  But those twins that were almost mine, will always be a part of my heart.  Even though the pain of their loss is not so tender anymore, because my heart is full with all that I have been blessed with.